Lost Motives

Blog For Free!

2004 August
2004 July
2004 June

My Links
A Demon's Outlook

My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images

Create a Blog!

Cody's Music Codes

I'm Back!
08.11.04 (1:44 pm)   [edit]

Hey everyone! I'm back!

Yay, huh? Well, I'm not sure how long I will be back. School starts soon, so I won't have enough time to work on my blog as much. Sadness huh?

Ok well, I'm not completely sure what to write. So this is short. But I've gotta go anyway. I'll write more later. Buhbye!!


The Tiger

07.10.04 (2:08 pm)   [edit]
Hey everyone. This will probably be my last blog for a super long time. It's getting way too addictive or whatever. I need a real life. Cuz, cmon, why pour out your feelings to strangers when you can pour them out to your friends?

07.10.04 (2:01 pm)   [edit]
Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
The quality that most appeals to you:Empathy
In a survival situation, you:Freak out
Your hidden talent is:Adaptability
Your gift is:Genius
In groups, you:Are the entertainment
Your best quality is:Your creativity
Your weakness is:Your coldness
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

07.04.04 (7:39 pm)   [edit]
Ok, I know quite a few people who will laugh at me for putting up this blog, but I don't give a frick. Ok, I am a huge fan of BtVS (those who are also fans know what that stands for). So please, if there is anyone else out there who is a fan, please send me a message or a comment or something! I'd like to check out some websites, but I can't find any good ones.

SO BORED!!!!!!
07.04.04 (7:09 pm)   [edit]
I'm in the mood for a deep conversation. But no sappiness. No "he doesn't love me anymore" crap, no "the meaning of life is blahblah" crap, and no "just have faith, little one" crap. Ok, so maybe not a deep conversation. I just wanna live my frickin life! Unfortunatly, I'm under 18 and I'm not rich, so it's not possible. Don't ask me why, it just isn't. AUGH!! I just wanna go out and friggin LIVE!!! Just have fun, for one night!! No conscious, no responsibilities, no anything. Of course, we all know how those stories end. The girl ends up pregnant, or with an STD, or gets arrested for shoplifting, or gets drunk and high. So maybe not. But man...what the heck am I supposed to do? I am going crazy with the boredom!!! My life right now is so risk-free, so noneventfull...AUGH!!!

New Colors
07.04.04 (4:32 pm)   [edit]
As many of you can see, I've changed my colors again. I wanted to put up a new header, and it didn't match with the orange and pink. Besides, I've had another moodswing. I'm not sure why. I'm sort of in a serious mood. Plus, I'm getting a migrane. So this is all for today. SSS.


The Tiger

07.04.04 (2:06 pm)   [edit]
Hey everyone! I haven't added a blog in a few days. Dunno why...I just haven't felt like getting on the computer. All of my friends are on vacation, so I'm stuck sitting on my behind doing [u]nothing[/u]. I swear, that's really all I've been doing this week. It sucks big time.

I just got done talking to my friend on IM. I knew her back from where I used to live. She went out with my brother for a long time. She told me that she hasn't been taking her medication, and that worries me. Especially because she said that last time she went off it she would cry herself to sleep. Not for any reason. She'd do it just to cry.

I had lots of friends like that. In fact, I was like that, minus the medication. People think that the state where I used to live is perfect. In reality, it's one of the worst places to live. The people there are so...stuck up. Everyone is either depressed or they think that they are the best thing that's happened. I was one of the depressed people. None of the other people liked me. They all thought I was a troublemaker. Now, friends out there, am I a troublemaker?

But still, even after all of that, I actually miss the place. I miss the mountains, I miss my friends, I miss being able to walk to the local gas station and buy and energy drink and a giant pixie stick w/my friends, I miss the amusement park...I'm visiting there in a few weeks. I won't have enough time to relive two years of memories though.

I'm glad I'm here though. The people down here have saved me from myself.

06.30.04 (6:21 pm)   [edit]
Dude, hyperness major going on right now. I feel like taking my Excursion, pick up a bunch of friends, go to Taco Bell and grab some food, go to the movies, head to Wal-Mart, buy a bunch of useless food, and just drive around until we all fall asleep. I feel like that a lot. Just another sign that I need a car. Anywho, if anyone gets online and they live near me and know my number please call cuz I am so freaking out right now and need to talk to someone!!!!

06.30.04 (11:45 am)   [edit]

A mythical being of Chinese mythology, comparable
with the western unicorn. Ki-lin personifies
all that is good, pure, and peaceful. It lives
in paradise and only visits the world at the
birth of a wise philosopher. The Ki-Lin is
said to walk on earth and on water. It never
drinks or eats dirty food or water. The Chinese
unicorn never treads on smaller animals below
its feet nor does it ever harm another living
creature. The Ki-Lin is the emblem for
exquisite goodness, longevity, grandeur,
endless compassion and great wisdom. According
to Chinese mythology, at the birth of Confucius
a Ki-Lin appeared and Confucius died soon after
a Ki-Lin was killed, he believed that his
writings would not proceed from the omen of the
death of the Unicorn.

Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My Family
06.29.04 (7:16 pm)   [edit]
I'm pretty sure that not many of you are fans of this band. That's ok though. It's one of the only ones that I could find that fits my mood.

Today was pretty interesting. This morning, everyone was arguing. My dad is on a business trip, so it's up to me this week to be the peacemaker. My brother George and I talked while I was making cookies (I was bored). He doesn't understand my mom. Of course, my mom doesn't understand my brother. So at lunch, they started up a huge huge argument. My little sisters headed up to their room. I wanted to go too, but I had to stay to make sure they didn't kill each other. Well, they shared insults for about half an hour. After that, they started to make progress. Then all of the sudden, one of them made a snide comment, and we were back at Step 1. Finally I just got sick of it. I told them both that my brother needed to stop being a jerk and my mom needed to be nicer to him. Then my mom got up and started cleaning. I tossed my brother a rag so that he could make my mom happy by helping out. I straightened up the kitchen, and started talking.

I told them that the reason they probably didn't get along is because they don't know what they have in common (yes, it's been 16 years and they still haven't found anything). So we started brainstorming. Turns out they really didn't have much in common. Oh well. So instead, I came up with ideas we could do together as a family, in hopes to create a bond between the two. Also, my family doesn't spend very much time together. Oh sure, we are all friends with each other, and we all go to church and stuff together, and we are all in the same house together, but we never SPEND TIME together.

We came up with some really fun ideas. I hope that we really get around to doing them. I actually miss my old family, the one I had when I lived in Utah. Not Farmington, UT. In Ogden, UT. When we had a big yard, cuz we were the corner house. In the evenings, my parents would sit on the front porch, while my brothers and sisters and I would play tag or hide-and-go-seek. Then the kids around the neighborhood would come over, and we'd have a huge game going. Also, when we lived there, we had this thing called KidLand. We each had our own countries. It was a very complicated system, but very fun. Until my oldest brother dropped out. He was sort of the key. So then I dropped out, and everyone else got mad at me...that's sort of when things started to go bad actually...

Anywho, enough dwelling on that. I'm trying to fix the present so that we have a happy future. Anyone have any suggestions?

06.28.04 (6:45 pm)   [edit]
You say you care for me,
Yet everything I tell you
You throw in my face.
How am I to react?
I've learned
If anger goes on for too long
It'll destroy everything you love.
Instead I'll fight with

I've come to a conclusion that I should've thought about before. If he is angry at me, that's fine. I would be worried if he wasn't. Making myself angry at his own anger though won't help anything. I'll just continue to be his friend. If he is reading this, I apologize once again for hurting you. I hope this time it counts.

06.28.04 (9:33 am)   [edit]
I just broke up with my boyfriend. I think that he's mad at me. I'm really sorry that I hurt him, but he doesn't understand some things about me. I've been hurt in my past, more than he can understand. More than a lot of people can understand. And right now, I'm trying to get over those things. Having a boyfriend was just distracting me. I didn't break up with him because of anything he did. In fact, he's one of the greatest guys I've ever met. I just can't handle any more pressures right now. I'm looking for a way to relax in my life. I want to just go out and be completely crazy with no worries. I never ever wanted to hurt him. I still want to be his friend though.
Does it seem like I'm throwing myself at him for mercy? Maybe I am. I just hate people being mad at me. Especially when I can't explain myself. However, I won't allow myself to be made a fool. I didn't do anything wrong. I apologized to him. I asked him for his friendship. I just hope that this won't end like his last relationship did. :(

Things That Make You Go Hhhhhmmmmm.............
06.27.04 (5:34 pm)   [edit]
[u]Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm! [/u]
-Can you cry under water?

-How important does a person have to be before they
are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

-If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

-Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

-Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

-Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried in for eternity?

-Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

-What did cured ham actually have?

-How did we figure out how to put man on the moon before we figured out it was a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

-Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

-If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a

-If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

-Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

-Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then
put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

-How come we choose from just two people for
President and fifty for Miss America?

-Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

-If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

LOL these are funny. I hope you laughed while reading them!

Dating As A TEEN
06.26.04 (6:50 pm)   [edit]
Even though I cannot hear this song, it is one of my favorites. It's totally inspiring. Anywho, I was wondering some things today. Why do people freak out when they get broken up with? I mean, I can understand if you're over 18 and you were in love with them, but if you're still in high school, then...well, I just don't get it. You have your whole life ahead of you. You've only lived 13-17years, with atleast 60 more years ahead of you. Don't you want to make something of yourself before you have kids and devote your entire life to your family? I definetly want to fall in love, get married and have some kids, but first I want to go to college, get a job, make sure that I could take care of myself if I needed to.

When you're a teenager, you're supposed to be practicing for the real world. That means practicing relationships. Don't devote yourself to just one person. If you do, you could miss out on a ton of fun people out there.

If you agree or disagree with any of this, please, leave a comment.

Last Night
06.26.04 (10:56 am)   [edit]
:roll: Last night was so much fun. It was one of the funnest nights I've had this summer. First, my grandparents, who are visiting, took us to dinner at a Mexican Resteraunt. I went to the movies with my family to see Around the World in 80 Days. Now, you're probably thinking, how in the world is that fun? Well, when we got there, my two best friends had just gotten done seeing The Notebook. So I said "hi" to them. Then I saw two guys from my school that my friends were talking to. We went and talked to them also, and it turns out that they were seeing the same movie (for some reason). My friends left, so I talked to the guys for a few more minutes, then went and joined my family. We went into the theatre, and during the previews, the two guys came and sat by me. They invited me to go sit w/them in the front row, and of course I accepted. So the three of us hung out during the movie. They were hilarious, so I had the best time. I felt so relaxed and comfortable. So that's sort of why I have the "happy colors" up. Instead of being depressed and angry, I'm relaxed and excited. Interesting huh? :lol:

06.25.04 (6:28 am)   [edit]
I want to apologize for losing my temper in the last few blogs. There has been a lot of arguing going on between my brother and parents (not like that's new), and I guess it's been rubbing off on me. I don't like arguing, what can I say? I'm sure that some of you out there can relate. Also, I've been feeling sort of pressured in a way. I had sort of gotten used to being spoiled, in a way, by my parents after my oldest brother went to college. Then he came back here. I'm not sad that he's back, in fact I'm over-joyed that he's back. However, my parents get very mad at me everytime I don't do something "perfect". Like I'm supposed to be the example or something. I can't let them down though. That's not the way I work. Also my friends...I dunno...I don't want to seem like I'm complaining too much...But they both act like they're better than me at times. As if they aren't really sure if I'm their friend anymore. And they are one of the only reasons I started going to church again. Because I have friends that go there. I mean, it's nothing serious or whatever. It just sorta adds to all of my anger. Like, it's building up inside of me, and everything that brings down my self-esteem turns into it. One of these days I'm gonna explode again. I'm trying to be positive, have fun and not put myself in bad situations. I mean, I still love life, and I'm not going to try to commit suicide again or anything. I am so confused right now. I'm going to try to control it though. I don't want to bottle up my feelings like I did last time. But I'm just not sure what to do.

06.24.04 (7:59 pm)   [edit]
There sure is a lot of hypocricy in the world. I know that I've had problems with it. Who doesn't? Sometimes though I just want to scream at the idiocy of it. Ok, George knows this person, and that person was "spreading crap" about him. He got all angry and said that was a horrible thing to do, so in retaliation, he did it to them!! AAUGH!!! Of course, that just made things worse. Also, I know another person from where I used to live. She would get mad at all of those girls who flirted with other peoples boyfriends, yet then she goes and does it herself. AAUGH!!! I can think of more moments in my life when idiocy and hypocricy has taken place, but that would take up too much room. I wouldn't mind hearing about your comments though.

06.24.04 (6:12 pm)   [edit]
I don't really know what to talk about. My little sisters have the TV on downstairs, and it's superloud. Augh!! Anywho, I'm finally getting the hang of this bloggin thing. I helped 2 of my friends create their blogs, and i love adding things to mine. Im super tired, so this is all im gonna write. peace out.

Face to Face
06.23.04 (7:47 pm)   [edit]
I hate having important conversations on the phone or IM. You never know if the person is really paying attention. I just wish sometimes that we went back to the times when the only way you talk to someone is face to face.

Lot's of Subjects In One Blog
06.23.04 (9:31 am)   [edit]
My last blog was a little depressing. I put it up late last night, and I've been thinking about it ever since. You know how they say that you write what you think? Well, how about you think what you write? You see, if I write depressing things, even if I'm in a good mood when I start, I end up depressed. If I'm depressed, and write happy things, I end up happy. I hope that makes sense. So I'm trying to think of happy things to write. Lot's of things make a person happy. Even if you're a gothic bent on destroying the world. Which brings me to another thing I was thinking about. I was reading a comic strip, and it had these two gothic people on it. They were making fun of some punk-wannabes, and one of them said "well, what makes us any different from them?". The other one said "well, I have black hair, so I was born gothic." The other one agreed by saying "ya and I have pale skin, so I was born gothic too!". Now is that funny or what? Honestly, I'm not sure why we even have "social classes" like that. I mean, preppy, punk, nerd, gothic, skater, druggie, goodytwoshoes, wannabe's...The list could go on and on. What's the point? We all start out the same. None of that stuff even starts until atleast the fourth grade. So for about ten years no one judges us like that. That is so stupid. I have the same feelings as every other person out there (hopefully). Just because I dress a certain way, or listen to a certain type of music doesn't mean that I'm really that different. Hm...wait...I'm having more thoughts...I think it just depends on the way you think. Who defines that for us though? TV? Music? Gap, Abercrombie, Pac Sun, Hot Topic? *phshh* I try not to let that stuff define me. I do admit that it's hard though. We are surrounded by so much judgement these days, it feels like you have to pick a place to fit in. However, they say that this generation is very rebellious. If we're that rebellious, then why do we keep living up to what the adults tell us we are? Why not just pick what we are ourselves? No groups, just friends. Do you think it's possible? I do.

06.22.04 (8:13 pm)   [edit]
I've been thinking (big surprise huh? :lol: ). Sometimes the past is really hard to let go of. I know I get reminded of my mistakes all of the time. Things just trigger it, no matter how much you try to forget it. Some people try to bury it inside, focus on other things. I was one of those people. The thing that I focused on was my current boyfriend. I fell in love with him, of course, because that's what I needed in my life. After a while though, my past started to come back to haunt me. I broke up with him, and tried to move on. I couldn't get rid of the memories though. I started to go lower and lower. In January, I hit rock bottom. I stayed there long enough to contemplate suicide. Luckily I got out, but now I have scars to remind me of that horrible place. Sometimes though, I honestly wish I could go back. I was so alone...in complete solitude...I could express my thoughts in any way I wished. Once in a while I go back there, just to remember the feelings I had...and it scares the heck out of me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I think that it's because I haven't forgiven myself for my past wrongs. Instead I choose to ignore it. I don't want to anymore. Augh!! I can't control my thoughts this late at night. Perhaps tomorrow I'll make more sense. Maybe I'll just read my poem, to remind me of the good things in life....

Dumb People
06.22.04 (7:27 pm)   [edit]
Have you ever wondered why some people don't care about what's going on in the world? Is it because they are scared, or they are too naive to want to know? I mean, what happens out there affects us, no matter what we want to think. Also, why don't some people care about history? It teaches us what mistakes not to make. It also teaches us about heritage, and where we came from. I'm not sure exactly if this will make any sense, but once I told my friends that I was basically a Scandinavien. They stared at me like I was crazy. Turns out they had no idea what it was. I find that very sad.

06.22.04 (5:53 pm)   [edit]
Do you ever feel like you're weird? Like, if you share what you really think, you would be an outcast? I do often. I wish all I thought about was clothes, school, boys, and my family. That's what all of the normal kids at school think about, right? If I just thought about that stuff, though, I wouldn't be who I am. I can't figure out if that is a good thing or not. I have lots of friends, and I'm a people person, so I don't have to worry really about that. What I worry about is how it's going to affect my future. It's so confusing. Maybe it has to do with being a teenager, I don't know. All of my friends say that they don't care, and they like me how I am. What if I don't like who I am though? I could've been one of those cheerleader girls who went out every night. I screwed that up though. It's because I'm too nice. I don't know how to be mean. I know that's a good thing, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't done some of the things that I've done in my life. I know its contradicting a lot of my blogs, but hey. Read the message that pops up when you check out my blog. Right now is the best time in my life. It really is. But I just get this way with everything. What do you expect? I'm a Gemini. Half of me is cynical, the other half is optomistic. To everything good in my life, I have to find something bad to balance it out. Augh!! See what I mean? This is the kind of stuff I think about! This isn't really considered normal. Guys, I need help. I feel like my friends are too busy trying not to hurt my feelings. I want some other opinions!

06.22.04 (1:32 pm)   [edit]
I had this idea after I read RastalinMitomo's new blog. It really has nothing to do with what it says, but it was inspired by it. Ok, I've been thinking. The government pays their workers crap. I mean, we make jokes about how little money teachers, police officers, ect make, correct? Yet sports stars, actors, and singers/bands make millions of dollars. We have billions of people who can play sports, act, and sing, but few who can teach and keep the people safe. So why do we pay them less than the others? I think that they deserve more. Who agree's with me?

Changed my Mind
06.21.04 (3:46 pm)   [edit]
You know, I've been thinking about a blog I wrote not long ago. The one about people not understanding you. After a conversation I had with my "friend" today, I've come to the conclusion that some people out there really are too stupid to understand a person, no matter how much you tell them. For example, she cannot understand why I have trouble letting go of the past. I have trouble understanding why she's afraid to try new things. My brother cannot understand why I like certain shows and books, and I cannot understand why he never learns from his lessons. Lot's of people don't understand the way I think, and I don't understand the way lots of people think. It's a no-win situation.